At the Party with the Physicists
One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a party (ok, there were some non-physicists too who crashed the party). Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...
- Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity in an elliptical orbit.
- Einstein thought he had a relatively good time.
- Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
- Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
- Cauchy, the mathematician, managed to integrate well with everyone.
- Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
- Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
- Planck showed lot of energy; but in discrete packets.
- Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
- Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
- Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
- Volta thought the social had a lot of potential.
- Hilbert was pretty spaced out most of the time.
- Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
- The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
- van der Waals forced himself to mingle.
- Wien radiated a colourful personality.
- Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
- de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
- Joseph Weber returned the wave with gravity.
- Hollerith liked the hole idea.
- Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
- Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
- Hawking looked radiant. Weakly.
- Wilhelm Weber & Gauss argued as to had a more magnetic personality.
- Compton was a little scatter-brained at times and thus got along very well with C V Raman.
- Rutherford kept searching for gold foils to shoot at.
- Bohr & Van Allen ate too much. Bohr got atomic ache while Van Allen had to loosen his belt..
- Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
- Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
- Faraday had quite a capacity for food. But his son, Pico Farad only had a billion billionth of the quantity his father ate.
- Oppenheimer got bombed.
- Penzias and Wilson were the first to detect the microwave radiating in the background.
- After one bite Chandrasekhar reached his limit.
- Gamow left the party early with a big bang while Hoyle stayed late in a steady state.
- Schrodinger theorised this was more a wave function than a social function.
- Popper said this theory was not falsifiable.
- Erdos was sad no epsilons were invited.
- Born thought the probability of enjoying himself was pretty high.
- Instead of coming through the front door Josephson tunnelled through.
- Groucho refused to attend any party that would invite him in the first place.
- NiccolÃ² Tartaglia kept stammering throughout the evening.
- Pauling wanted to bond with everyone.
- Keynes was keen to question the marginal utility of this party.
- Shakespeare could not decide whether to be or not to be at the party.
- John Forbes Nash wanted to play a n-person zero sum game.
- Pavlov brought his dog; which promptly chased Schrodinger's cat while Maxwell's Demon looked on.
- Zeno of Elea came with two friends: Achilles and the tortoise.
- Bill Gates came with windows.
- Sir Humphrey Davy came with a miner's lamp.
- Bertrand Russell kept wondering if the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?
- Witten brought a present all tied up with superstrings.
- Mendeleyev beautifully laid out the food on the periodic table.
- Riemann hypothesised about who would arrive next; to which Newton retorted, 'hypotheses non fingo.'
- Chadwick was handing out neutrons free of charge.
- Everyone was amazed at Bell's inequality.
- Watson and Crick danced the Double Helix.
- While Fermat sang, 'Save the Last Theorem for me.'
- On which Eddington remarked, 'I think there should be a law of Nature to prevent a man from behaving in this absurd way!
- Gamow's Mr Tompkins argued with Dawkin's friend, the selfish Gene.
- Russell and Whitehead insisted on checking the arithmetic in the bill for completeness and consistency.
- Godel said it was incomplete and it can never be proved otherwise.
- Epimenides the Cretan announced that all Cretans were liars.
- Rontgen saw through everybody.
- Descartes cogitated, 'I think I am drunk. Therefore I am at the party.'
- Lotfi Zadeh thought this logic was a little fuzzy.
- Degas, Monet and Renoir were there to make an impression.
- Prof Abdus greeted everybody with a 'Salam'
- Alan Guth discussed inflation with Alan Greenspan.
- Vera Rubin showed off her rotation curves.
- The law firm of Burbidge, Burbidge, Fowler and Hoyle was represented by all four Senior Partners.
- Steven Weinberg arrived in the first three minutes.
- Kip Thorne announced that he had taken out a year's subscription to Penthouse in the hope of seeing a naked singularity.
- Penrose gently consoled him that Cosmic Censorship would make sure he didn't. Failing that, Mrs Thorne would.
- MGM led a special unitary group discussion on the eight-fold way.
- Music was provided by the Boris Zeldovich Quintet - Belinsky, Braginsky, Starobinsky; with Sakharov on drums.
- Martin Gardner expounded on CRAP - the Completely Ridiculous Anthropic Principle.
- Bondi, Gold and Hoyle expounded on the Perfect Cosmological Principle.
- Minkowski announced that this was the last party he would be attending; because, henceforth, there would be no space and no time.
- Lifshitz and Landau took a route through a classical field, Gauss and Weber got lost in a magnetic field, Hoyle and Narlikar came via the C-Field.
- P C W Davies suggested that matter is a myth to which Samuel Johnson retorted, 'I refute it thus'.
- Zwicky added that maybe all matter was dark.
- Gribbin went in search of the Big Bang while Feynman lectured.
- Barrow grumbled that his salary was a constant of nature.
- Hubble worried that his constant was constantly changing.
- Kekule came with his fiancÃ©e who showed off her benzene ring.
- Heaviside insisted on eating a layered chocolate cake.
- Galileo kept tossing peanuts out of the window to check the time of fall.
- Archimedes could not make it as he was taking a bath.
- Geiger kept writing down the guest count.
- Hardy told Ramanujan that the taxi he came in had an interesting number 1729.
- Szilard tried to convince Fermi that the Manhattan Project was not in Manhattan but in New Mexico.
- Benjamin Franklin did not come as he went kite flying.
- Alexander Graham Bell could not come as he was on a long-distance phone call to Marconi.
- Darwin naturally selected the best dishes.
- Mendel was interested only in wrinkled peas.
- Edison thought the party was illuminating.
- Morse said 'I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.'
- Coriolis kept forcing people sideways.
- Cantor came dressed as a transinfinite.
- Glaser kept blowing bubbles in his beer.
- Halley announced that he will return in 75 years.
- Zweig's aces were disallowed by his peers.
- Shannon could not communicate as there was too much noise.
- Wheatstone had to cross a bridge to get to the party.
- There was a lady named Bright who left early and returned the previous night.
Any further party ideas? Help us grow this list ... send your idea to: click here to contact us
Special thanks to the following for contributing ideas:
Pervez Appoo from Sydney, Australia
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'The greatest good will come from the technical improvements tending to unification and harmony.'